From the Basement

December 15, 2010

Things God is Teaching Me Right Now (very uneloquent)

Filed under: Faith,Grad School — jeannablue @ 7:11 am

I turned in my first grad school app tonight (!) and it’s for some reason inspired a lot of reflection. It is late, I am tired, and the migraine is still going, but here are some random and unedited thoughts about what the Lord’s been teaching me, even in my ignorant state.

#1: My nanny jobs, a.k.a. Housewife Bootcamp, are throwing me headfirst into the (crazy) realities of running a household and are also helping me consider biblical passages in a new light. For example, I caught myself being crazy-judgmental of the mom of the family I work for. A thought something like this crossed my mind while I was doing dishes: She needs someone to cook meals, and clean once a week, and then have me to keep track of the kids’ homework and get them everywhere? Seriously? And then I realized, STFU, self! The Proverbs 31 woman managed her household. Now, family always comes first – and I do believe that you should reconsider and seriously cut back if things start to threaten that Lord—Husband—Children—Everything Else order. But sometimes, your family is freaking crazy and trying to manage everyone is far easier said than done and does, really, require help. And if we think about it, it’s the post-industrial phenomenon of the middle-class nuclear family (a.k.a. only one woman to get s**t done) that brought on a lot of this division-of-labor debate.

Also, I am learning how to time my household duties/chores to the laundry cycle.

#2: To trust myself and to trust him more. I’ve been working on grad school apps and He’s been on the backburner. And, specifically, I have been soliciting everyone’s advice. Not everyone – I have selectively solicited the advice of either professors, friends who are in grad school, friends/advisors who left grad school, or friend – one friend in particular – who has an editorial eye like you’ve never seen before so once she goes through grad school she’s going to be an unstoppable machine.

But. I have been anxious and worried – not nearly as much as last year, yet – about things and the paper and the statement of purpose and getting stuff done and making sure I have at least one other person “sign off” on all my stuff.

And I’m realizing, I cannot function like that. I am blessed to be surrounded by a village of people and I am well aware that God has allowed that to happen, and I am so, so grateful he has. But at the same time, I need to learn to trust myself, trust my instincts… trust the abilities that he gave me. Not trust that my abilities will inevitably merit something – but just trust that, to do the work at hand, he has fully equipped me. Sometimes that equipping means he brings in other people to help me out. But when I feel like I need approval before I can move forward… when I am wringing my hands over the fact that trusted advisors gave me different advice… that is, perhaps, a mite too far.

So. He’s teaching me about yet another nuance of trust. Big surprise.

#3: He’s got it under control. He really does. And I could have prayed for hours over my applications each night… I could have been polishing this paper for months… but he has it under control. He knows what’s best for me. He knows what’s best for my fiancé. He will put us where he wants us. And I do hope against hope that he may even offer us a choice as to where to go. Grad school is the desire of my heart and it is the desire of my fiancé’s heart. And I know that God knows that. And so I am doing my part… come the end of January, we’ll start to see his response.

#4: Be faithful with the time we are given. This is something that’s come up repeatedly over the last few months, but it’s so true. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, and he has given us today for a reason – to glorify him, to love him, to love each other and share his love with others. And we are given seasons in life where we sometimes don’t feel like what we’re doing is overly relevant, but he leads us places for a reason. Today, one of the kids I nanny for – well, perhaps not a kid, seeing as how he’s fifteen – asked me if I liked college or the real world better. It was an interesting question. On the one hand, I’ve outgrown college – I was ready to leave. It was a healthy departure. At the same time, though, I’m sort of in limbo, knowing what’s coming – marriage, hopefully grad school – but not being there yet. In the meantime, though, I’m being faithful with what God has given me – two jobs nannying for two families. Two opportunities to love on kids and make an impact.

I am going to have to write a blog on how both of these families, while surface-y Christian, are not really devout believers – and how the support staff who works for both families are devout believers. Seriously. The full-time nanny for one family is a believer (this came up during our coffee date where she talked about how the kids love Veggie Tales) and the housekeeper for my other family is also a strong believer and we had an incredible conversation the other day when we were both at work.

God so knows what he’s doing.

So thank you, Lord, for this time. Thank you for your patience. Thank you that you know me, and that none of my behavior surprises you. I am sorry for my sins and for my ignoring you and for not taking enough time, but I am so thankful that you have still answered my prayers for energy and endurance and for hope, even when it’s not a prayer I voiced. I am hopeful, Abba – I know you know what’s best for me and I am pursuing this course hoping against hope that you see fit to allow its continuance come this spring. Thank you for the people you have surrounded me with, for their love and support. Thank you for your reminder that even if I am literally alone, and even if no one is responding to calls or emails, that you are with me always, even to the end of the age. Thank you for your constant companionship and for your love that buoys me even when I don’t see it. Thank you. I love you.

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